Q: I don’t have a sex drive for over two years now. The last time I had sex was almost a year ago. And I don’t care. How bad that could be?
A: The sex drive in female is a long time mystery. Many scientists and psychologists constantly try to find out what exactly triggers the sexual desire in women and so far there is not even one universal answer to this. Women’s sexuality is very complicated because it is based on multiple physical and mental factors which are unique and vary case by case. In order for me to precisely answer to your question, I would need to know your sexual history, your childhood influences, your own self-perception. The most common reason why women have low sex drive are the following:
1. Not feeling sexy.
A woman might not feel sexy because she has extra pounds, or pimples on her body, or stretch marks etc. The extreme self-consciousness may reduce seeing yourself as sexual being hence lowering your sexual desire and creating psychological discomfort to dress or behave suggestively.
2. Wrong partner.
Maybe the partner you are with doesn’t make you feel the way that is needed for you to trigger sexual desire. Have you been unsatisfied with the way he is treating you? Have you been upset with his behavior? Does he say nice compliments to you and make you feel special? The strong sexual desire in women in majority cases appears when she is surrounded by romance and her relationship reminds more of a love novel rather than psychological thriller. If you don’t feel enough love and admiration coming from your partner, your sexual drive most likely will be very low simply because your partner doesn’t inspire your desire to be intimate with him.
3. Hormonal imbalance.
Testosterone, known as the hormone of desire, has the strongest effect on libido. It’s the primary driver of libido in both men and women. Too much or too little estrogen can have an effect on moods which can contribute to low libido. Thyroid and cortisol hormones that are out of balance can directly affect libido, or can indirectly affect it by impacting sex hormone production and activity causing fatigue.
4. Sex isn’t a priority.
For some women sex isn’t a priority but they still want sex. And when it comes to perform it they don’t feel like doing it because their mind is preoccupied with other things that are on the list. The sex drive tend to decrease when you think that instead of having sex right now, I could be doing my homework, watching documentary, reading favorite book etc. Sex is being neglected by your own mind. In this case you need to change how you think about sex and reason why you do it if you do it. Or don’t reason at all. Just do it!
Certain prescription drugs, especially antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, are known to lower the sex drive.
Living in a big city indeed can be very stressful. But why not to use sex as way of getting rid of this stress? Being intimate with your partner will release hormones dopamine and endorphin making you feeling more relaxed and happy. Also try to take a hot tub with aroma bubbles or aroma bomb at least once a week to help to relax your body and your mind before any sexual activities. See sex as continuation of your relaxation process. Maybe ask your partner to give you a sensual massage after the bath as foreplay.
7. Psychological trauma.
Negative previous sexual experiences or unpleasant intimate moments can definitely negatively affect on your sex drive. In this case I’d advise to get a professional help if you can’t overcome certain challenges on your own.
There is no magic pill for restoring sexual desire in women, nor is there likely to be. Perhaps the most effective route is educating yourself and your partner about how women actually become aroused. One treatment of hypoactive desire in women that is proving highly effective utilizes Mindfulness to connect bodily sensations of arousal with psychological arousal.