Updated: Mar 28, 2019
Our fantasies matter for several reasons. One is that almost everyone has them — yet most people keep their fantasies to themselves and, more often than not, feel guilty or ashamed of them. The result is that we’re carrying around a lot of emotional baggage that prevents us from getting what we really want and, more broadly, from actually communicating about sex with our partners. We stand to be far happier as individuals and as a society if we can break down the barriers to talking about and sharing our fantasies with our partners.
There was a lot of research done on whether it’s healthy to have fantasies or not. Some people might start thinking that their fantasies are too wild to share with a partner and will remain silent about it. But before jumping into conclusion that someone has an “abnormal” sexual fantasy, let’s look at what is the most common fantasies.
A large Canadian study of both men and women found that while many people may fantasize about things which are not considered ‘normal’, the most common sexual fantasies are more conventional. Below are the 10 most common sexual fantasies reported by each gender.
The gender difference is very interesting, but probably not too surprising.
Taking part in fellatio or cunnilingus (87.6%)
Having sex with two women (84.5%)
Having sex with someone that I know is not my spouse (83.4%)
Having sex in an unusual place, such as in the office or in a public toilet (82.3%)
Watching two women make love (82.1%)
Ejaculating on my sexual partner (80.4%)
Having sex in a romantic location like on a deserted beach (78.4%)
Giving cunnilingus (78.1%)
Masturbating my partner (76.4%)
Having sex with more than three people, all women (75.3%)
Having sex in a romantic location like on a deserted beach (84.9%)
Having sex in an unusual place, such as in the office or a public toilet (81.7%)
Taking part in fellatio or cunnilingus (78.5%)
Giving fellatio (72.1%)
Being masturbated by my partner (71.4%)
Masturbating my partner (68.1%)
Having sex with someone that I know who is not my spouse (66.3%)
Being dominated sexually (64.6%)
Making love openly in a public place (57.3%)
Having sex with more than three people, both men and women (56.5%)
Another very curious research was done by Dr. Justin Lehmiller. He surveyed 4,175 Americans about the content of their sex fantasies for his book Tell Me What You Want and found seven major themes that emerged. These themes were:
People who share their fantasies with their partners reported in vast majority positive outcomes. Those who shared their fantasies reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction, more satisfying romantic relationships, and fewer sexual difficulties with desire, arousal, and orgasm. That said, there were some people who reported negative reactions, which means there are potential risks in sharing one’s fantasies. For example, some may feel shamed or judged by their partner for disclosing their desires. This means that when it comes to talking about your fantasies and desires, it’s important to proceed slowly and make sure there is a solid foundation of trust, communication, and intimacy first.
Disclaimer: The content material is only informative and academic in nature and shouldn’t be construed as medical recommendation.