The big truth behind the small talk...

Photo by Toa Heftiba

In some of our previous posts we already discussed the importance of afterplay (time right after sex) and its crucial role in forming bonding and emotional intimacy between partners. Very often, we find ourselves either falling asleep which is a natural reaction or active desire to have deep conversation with the partner while still laying wrapped in each other’s arms. Most of us are familiar with a term “pillow talk”, but how many of us are fully aware of the overall impact of the “pillow talk” on the relationship?   

   The research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior examined the role of post sex affection in promoting sexual and relationship satisfaction in ongoing romantic partnerships. In general, the pattern of results was consistent for men and women, but the association between the duration of post sex affection and relationship satisfaction was stronger for women than for men and women, felt more sexually satisfied when their partner reported higher quality post sex affection. The findings suggest that the period after sex is a critical time for promoting satisfaction in intimate bonds.

   Post-coital “pillow talk” is gaining momentum as an important area of research. Another study showed that women who orgasm tend to self-disclose more post-sex. They tend to talk more intimately, revealing deeper, more personal information to their partner. Maybe the oxytocin released during sexual activity is a factor in this type of communication. Interestingly, people with higher testosterone levels, a suppressor of oxytocin, were less likely to engage in post-sex communication.

So if you starting the conversation, please make sure that you avoid talking about topics that could destroy the romantic relaxing mood especially if your partner is not really looking to maintain the long conversations with you. Avoid talking about:

- anything that has to do with  problems at work, family issues, cheating husband of one of your girlfriends, gossips etc.;

- anything that has to do with success or career since usually it’s very sensitive topic (especially for men). Unless he started the conversation first;

- anything that has to do with  unfulfilled responsibilities or mistakes;

- anything that has to do with health issues;  

- financial arrangements or financial struggles, expenses and also who is spending more money on unnecessary things;

- past boyfriends/girlfriends, especially intimate details;

- politics, religion or sex education based on porn etc.

These conversations will inevitably provoke arguing and dissatisfaction.

Remember, it’s a "pillow talk". You are still in bed… Bring up conversations about:

- how much you enjoy being intimate with each other;

- what tricks you like your partner does in bed and what you would like your partner to do to you next time;

- exchange sexual fantasies or some naughty thoughts about each other;

- exchange dreams or elaborate some of your  biggest dreams;

- traveling... imagine you can go on a vacation to any place in the world, where would you or your partner go?

- positive memories, positive experiences together (past) or coming;

future together…

- read some poetry to each other or discuss anything that is uplifting and inspiring.

It’s up to us what we make out of a “pillow talk”. We can make it really “looking forward to” experience or “avoid as much as possible” experience. It creates mood in the bedroom, influences our partnership in many subtle ways and plays significant role in satisfaction with the relationship overall. By following just simple rules,  next time you are having an intimate talk under the duvet, don’t be surprised if it finishes with a round two. Words are magical!!!


1. Denes, A., Afifi, T. D., & Granger, D. A. (2016). Physiology and pillow talk: Relations between testosterone and communication post sex. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Advanced online publication.


#pillowtalk #sexlife #sex #afterplay #love #relationship #bedroomfun #communicationpostsex

Disclaimer: The content material is only informative and academic in nature and shouldn’t be construed as medical recommendation.

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