Why after people got matched on dating app, they ignore each other?


Continuing the discussion on the online dating, I’d like to focus on the very strange phenomenon such as “Why after people got matched on dating app, they ignore each other?”  It’s culturally ethical behavior that a man should take the initiative to start any sort of communication with the woman he likes. The woman in her turn should wait for the man to act. Gladly, the app already helped man to understand that this particular woman is interested in him, significantly lowering the fear of the rejection. But regardless, it’s strangely common that after people got matched, man actually never messages or never returns the message if woman texted him first and vice versa.Why is this happening? The whole purpose of being on the dating app is not simply get a match but also connect and meet in person. Or maybe it has been changed overtime and now we just getting matched out of curiosity or a self-validation?

   A major new study carried out by the Oxford Internet Institute (OII) and eHarmony found that men are 30 percent more likely than women to initiate conversation, and when a woman does send the first message, the response rate drops by 15 per cent! The past decade has seen the rise of dating apps and the breakdown of any stigma surrounding looking for love online.

   The app like Bumble gives women a privilege to message to the matches first if she is still interested.  It’s designed to make women feel more secure when using dating apps. Tinder also announced it is trialling a new feature in the app in India that will allow female users to decide whether or not they want to be the ones to start the conversation when they match with a man. The feature, called “My Move”, gives women the option in their settings on the app to decide if they want to let either party send the first message or if they want to be the ones to take control.

But despite this - and progress being made towards gender equality - the researchers found that the number of men initiating conversations online has actually increased, from six per cent in 2008 to 30 per cent in 2018.

   People are getting on dating apps for different reasons. Some look for a romantic partner, and some for a“fuck buddy”. Looking just for sex is widely acceptable behavior and both men and women participate in a sexual promiscuity of the 21st century equally. Either or but we have a “ natural need”, so why try to cover it  up with the veil of the indifference? There are two points of view on this phenomenon.

Women’s point of view

Women prefer to wait for the man to message first because of the belief that it’s a man’s job to initiate the conversation, ask for a date and set everything up. To someone it might look like an old fashioned way of courtship but this is what the courtship is about! It actually never gets old. It’s a classy way of approaching woman and earning her interest. Majority of women would wait, some would message first, some would just unmatch men who never message anything.  Sill it feels a little strange starting the conversation first because in some cases the woman becomes the leader in the online encounter and the pressure of organizing the date lies on her shoulders. Now she has to ask him out. Now she has to be a “man”.

   As a single woman who is using Bumble app, I can totally relate to what Lane Moore said in her Washington Post article:  “About 9 times out of 10, when I’ve messaged first, guys have reacted like they were being reluctantly interviewed on a couch by Jimmy Fallon. I’d tell a joke — they’d type “haha” and nothing else. I’d ask a question — they’d answer it and not ask me one in return. Eventually I’d get frustrated and leave the conversation.”  So then why men would even use this app?

   There are  some curios answers I encountered in the article by Jared Freid. According to him, men join the Bumble “to have sex and worry about whether we like the person later.  Since the girls have to message us, it cuts down the time from swipe to vagina. It’s a more willing buyer than digging through the haystack that is Tinder..” . Well I’m sure that was just a line for his stand up comedy show.

Seriously speaking, women on bumble do message to men, but what they usually get is this:

-  The box is filled with matches and first messages sent with ZERO response.

-  90% of the guys respond and at least start a conversation. Unfortunately most of them die out pretty quickly.

-  ‘Hi’ back and three to four lines as a way to start a conversation. Three or maybe four messages later, the conversation is going to die.

-  It's hard to ask interesting question because a lot of people don't have anything meaningful written in their profile.

Well, I guess the same thing we can also tell about the Tinder, Happn, OkCupid and other dating apps. In most cases the development of conversation depends on personalities of two people engaging in it. If they are both not enthusiastic, the conversation will die pretty soon and it doesn’t really matter who messaged first. In the end of the day, we are not looking for a penpal. We are looking for a romantic partner. Then maybe we should less focus on the quality of online conversations and just try to meet each other in reality and see if there is a chemistry in person.

Men’s point of view

   Why men don’t message first on dating apps anymore? Men themselves say it’s a women’s fault. They believe that women open up Tinder and get a match nearly every time they swipe right. This motivates them to be even more selective than they might otherwise be, lest they become overwhelmed by the sheer volume of matches. So the behavior of men reinforces the behavior of women and vice versa ...

   The common men’s reply on in the regard to this question was “I’m tired of not getting replies”.  A lot of men think that women only reply to the best looking men, wealthy looking men, ripped men etc. Logically,  if women really like someone (especially “hot girls”), they should reach out first. Otherwise it would be a waste of time for the man coming up with a perfect entrance line when his message won’t be even read. It is too much work for nothing. So this is why men do this. They just swipe all pretty faces to the right to receive a lot of matches. And only after they got matched they actually look at each woman’s profile. Did she use correct grammar? Does she look pretty on all of her photos? Did she write nice bio etc.?  After this rundown is done, the unmatching starts until few favorite profiles left. And then men wait…

   Starting a conversation requires a thought, and sometimes people don’t want to make the effort or they don’t have time to do so. They are busy with work, family, or already dating someone or sometimes they will  think a bit more and decide they are not that interested after all. This goes both ways. The brutal truth is, nobody HAS to reply, even on a site which requires matching like Tinder. Nobody HAS to message, either. Got a match, and forget about it!

   As sad as it is, I again come to the conclusion here that it all depends on what we are trying to get out of poor 100% times criticized dating apps. If we can’t handle the ignorance and rejection, maybe we should not use them at all because there always will be matches who won’t respond to us or with who the conversation will die quickly. It’s natural selection. It’s the way it is.

by Natalie Poette

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